Relentless Pursuit of Wisdom and Liberty

The weblog companion of, dedicated to pondering, "If Patrick Henry could see us now..."

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Bruce Bethke on the State of the Union

So I meant to post some comments on the State of the Union, but just never got around to it. In lieu of those comments, I offer an incredibly amusing take by an incredibly gifted (IMO) writer (and coiner of the term cyberpunk), Bruce Bethke:
Lincoln went on, frowning. "And what is this 'income tax' he keeps talking about? We managed to run the country for 130 years without any such thing as an 'income' tax -- except during the Civil War, and then we repealed it as soon as the war was over."

Teddy shook his head. "I told Taft it was a bad idea."

"Did not!" Taft shouted from the next table over. "It's Wilson's fault!"

On the other side of the room, Wilson jumped up and shook his fists in the air. "Yeah! Taxes! More taxes! Bring it on!"

Teddy could only shake his head again. "Idiot."

"The only two certainties in life," Lincoln observed, "are death and taxes. And the only good thing about death is that Congress never tries to make it more fair." Our glasses were empty, so I went and got another pitcher. When I got back, Junior was talking about Social Security.

"I can't believe it!" FDR shouted from across the room. "You're still trying to maintain that mess? For crying out loud, it was an emergency measure we rammed through in the middle of the Great Depression! It was never supposed to last this long!"
And more:
Teddy interrupted. 'You had to create a new government agency for Homeland Security? Why? Don't you still have Winchester and Colt?'

Before Ronnie could answer this as well, Lincoln thumped his fist on the table. 'And what is this pledging to end tyranny and install freedom everywhere business? I swear, he sounds more like Wilson with every word.'

Across the room, Wilson leaped to his feet again. 'Yeah! Intervention! Nation-building! Bomb 'em 'til they love democracy! BRING IT ON!'


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